I can’t believe it’s December. And that I’m somewhere where it’s winter. And that I’m so happy to be here.
This year has been beyond transformative. I could only begin to try and articulate it… this blog finds me often rambling, frequently taking entries straight from my journal, with the only intention of getting it all out on record. I know the unfiltered records of many devoted, insightful, constantly expanding women is what has kept me going on some of the hazier days.
I want to encourage someone to keep going.
This gap of time between my last post and this one has encompassed my Costa Rica experience. While I was there, I spent a week in the bustling streets of San Jose, then drove on dirt roads loaded into a small SUV with 4 other women to the jungle, then found myself on the laid back beaches of Puerto Viejo.
Here are my thoughts.
San Jose, Costa Rica
It smells like street food and cigarette smoke. The bustling streets, lack of road rules, and thick air comfort me… It’s good to be back in the this area of the world. My apartment is on a typical busy street in downtown San Jose. People yell all day and well into the night.
“Cigaros cigaros cigaros!!!!! CIGAROS!!”
Get your cigars, people.
Pedestrians don’t wait for the crosswalk sign. They excitedly watch the cars whiz by, honking in warning, and opportunistically sprint into the road to cross the busy street.
As I walk, people proposition me. Sometimes I don’t even know what the offer is… by the time they’ve clued in and switched to English I’m already with my back to them. I buy fresh coconuts in the morning, get the top hacked off and enjoy the juice while I buy fruit from farmers.
Everyone is congregated here, drawn by the money of the city, looking to make a living.
I see museums. A currency exhibit takes me through the history of the currency, colones, from it’s origins to it’s current status. The coin exhibit is my favorite… seeing the way they used to press the metal to give it the unusual designs chosen as emblems.
The jade museum with incredible artifacts… my favorite being the phallic designs they used to educate the youth.
I eat terrible, unflavored food and choose to stick mostly to fresh fruit and cooking at home. The supermarkets aren’t what I’m used to… my store of choice is mostly dry stock in cramped steel racks run by two Asian sisters who yell at each other in Chinese.
Wifi is spotty. The city is noisy. I look forward to the jungle.
Finca Fruicion, AKA Fruition Farm
We made it. Me and the four other women here for this yoga and meditation retreat being put on by my mentor, Deanna.
At the airport we waited for some time, searching for our driver, before realizing he had the wrong place and name on his sign. Thankfully, Deanna’s intuitive guidance had her start asking questions. As we start packing our stuff and ourselves into the vehicle, we realize there aren’t enough seats for us. Our driver tries to communicate with no English and us with no Spanish…
It’s a four and a half hour drive on bumpy roads, that much we know. We aren’t all keen to squish in the back with no belts.
When he goes to pay for parking, we unpack the entire back to try and see if there’s another seat. No luck.
We completely re-pack and as the driver approaches he starts animatedly talking… What’s he trying to say?
He starts unpacking the back, for the second time… and reveals a seat. We manage to Tetris our friend Brenda into the back with the bags. It’s hard to see her tiny frame among the luggage.
As we all come out of the fog of a nap approaching the farm, it’s starting to get dark. The roads are all dirt and we’re high in the mountains. I remember opening my eyes at some point and seeing the dash read we’re above 2,000 meters in elevation.
Every once in a while we’ll see a home among the trees, a dog, or a child. Signs of the few who have chosen to live a quieter life.
In comes the quick sinking feeling that we’re lost for no other reason than the feeling in the air. “Were we supposed to turn right back there?”… “What were we supposed to be looking for?”… “I don’t think the driver knows the way… he looks like he hasn’t been out here before…”
Suspicions are confirmed when we eventually (somehow) communicate to the driver to go back. He pulls over at a store to ask for directions but we see a lot of headshakes and shrugs coming from the people he’s talking to.
We’ve managed to figure out what we think the problem is, what way we need to go, but the driver is hesitant to listen. A lack of English and understanding or no trust of our judgement… both are equally likely.
By the time we reach our destination it’s dark. It’s a bit unsettling to arrive at a place like this with no light… the jungle looms in, the bugs are loud, and we’re all a bit disoriented. As we suss out the rooms and figure out where we can all rest to settle in for the night, it becomes glaringly apparent quickly we’re in a setting we’re not used to.
The very large spider on the wall by the bed stares at us, and while he’s rationally scared, we’re all irrationally internally hysterical.
One of our hostesses laughs at us for thinking he’s large, calmly picks of the tea saucer sized spider up off the wall, and takes him outside.
This unsettling encounter on the first night is a strange blessing wrapped in an eight legged package we later come to understand. It cracked us all open. We were all uncomfortable, right then, right there from the get-go.
It allowed beautiful fear, expansion, and clarity to release.
The Journal Entries: Finca Fruicion
– Morning Chant –
Om Namah Shivaya Gurave
[I open my heart to the power of Grace]
[That lives in us as goodness]
[That never is absent and radiates peace]
[And lights the way to transformation]
I’m going to keep on dancing. When people are watching. When they’re not. When it’s just me and the moon. Or sun.
Through all of the changes, I accept myself. I give myself permission to be. To have my desires. To believe in m internal power. To heal, to guide, to elevate others.
I will continue to show myself patience and kindness. To do this, I’ll continue to connect back to myself and be honest about my experience. Physical, emotional, spiritual. I will tap in, accept what is there, and give myself permission to have the experiences I am meant to.
There is no more judgement of my wishes, my physical form, or the thoughts I have. I am a witness to them. I give them all permission to be. Dayna, you are allowed to love yourself exactly as you are.
Be gracious. Hug yourself. Smile at yourself in the mirror. Enjoy every curve of your able body. Laugh at your own jokes.
You’re your own best friend.
THE NIGHT OF DANCE
A Blessing of Acceptance
“Every part of you is equally worthy of love. Accept yourself as you are and this will be a blessing unto yourself and others. If you wish to see the truth of the matter, hold no preference, either for or against a particular outcome. Just be the love that you truly are”.
This is how it feels when I believe in myself.
I’m unstoppable. Powerful.
Larger than life.
Meant to be.
You cannot summarize this. There are no words for it the feeling the relief of pain gives us.
We hold it. Bottle it. Let it become part of our core. And as it bubbles to the surface, unexpected, we face the intensity of all pain and the joy of release.
Something like a wave, an unstoppable force of nature, consumes our entire being then washes away anything and all.
You cannot stop the tide. You cannot control the moon. So let her become a part of you.
What is a goddess?
Strong, unstoppable, connected, quietly aware, legendary, elegant, confident, magnetic, intentional, wise, blowing, legacy creator, driven, innovative, non-conformist, trailblazer, living consciously, well spoken being.
the light and to work within it. To recognize my power, my embodiment of quality is larger than me. I choose you. You writing these words. I choose to love you, nourish you, teach you, challenge you, move you, grow you… And no matter how you show up in any of those things, I choose to except you. Unconditionally. Because by choosing love I don’t just use the fleeting sensation of a full heart. I choose the forever open and receptive space of unconditional love. With my heart, head, hands, words, and actions full of love… I will choose honesty, curiosity, playfulness, passion and to be forever an open channel of experiencing love.
THIS IS WHAT HOME FEELS LIKE
Inside myself. Calm certainty.
Around me there is this sounds, smells, and views of nature. Ocean. Trees. Animals. Life.
Who are you at home with in yourself?
Home feels like confidence and authenticity. Home feels like my truth. Home feels like deep love, baked goods, good wine, laughter, pure joy. Home feels like the triumph after challenge.
Community. Understanding. Deep knowing. This is where I belong. This is who I am. This is Home.
A blessed season
“Each season of your life is a gathering of precious moments. Each one has its purpose, unique beauty, challenges, and blessings. Everything is always unfolding in accordance with the divine will of your soul. All is a blessing and forever blessed.”
Meditation. Yoga. Space. Breathe.
This moment right now of beach, journaling, and pure reflection. Lately it’s been about showing myself grace and kindness. To be who I am without judgment.
Sometimes I tell myself I’m sabotaging my own success when I give myself space. That’s the opposite of true and yet it’s the narrative I give my calm self to set the wheels in motion and her life back into chaos and panic.
Today this looks like finding a way to get us into Toronto. I was in such push, strategize, fight mode I didn’t see the simplicity of the situation. Instead I made it much more complicated than it needed to be. Than it really was.
In the thick of this chaos, the universe is always giving me an alternative path. The right path.
Stay in love and surrender.
The ask: “What’s my next best step?”
The answer: “Surrender. Stop doing. Stop resisting. Stay in love.”
This is how the Divine feminine and the divine masculine live together in me today.
I am willing.
These are the blessings that are touching me today.
I am surrounded by serenity, peace, the jungle, life, feminine energy…
And inside, I am feeling the connected chills of being in tune with my higher self.
Today I have the blessing of thought, location, business, and financial freedom because of the life I have created.
I am blessed with love. Passion. Vitality, movement, and ability.
I am well rested. Well fed. Nourished by nutrients from the vegetables and fruits but this farm at which I stay has grown.
I am blessed with an awareness, knowledge, and deep knowing that I am creating the Destiny I desire, one that will serve others with highest forms of my potential.
My soul is that lately on my heart and high above my head. It sits with deep knowing that I have choice. I’m walking the path of my fullest expression. I’m willing to be intuitively guided. To see things differently than the first scene with eyes open and the scales of judgment peeled away.
It’s my responsibility to nourish myself and be full. This filled state is what best serves the greater network. By being whole, integral, full, complete my energy can overflow and serve.
My choice lives here. In the decision to feed my soul consistently. In the choice to walk a path that stretches me, requires expansion, but also touches all corners of my being.
I choose to use all of the gifts the stowed on me rather than a fraction of what I’ve been given.
MY SOUL SITS GENTLY VIBRATING WITH THE UNIVERSE. I ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I’M A PIECE AND PART TO A GREATER WHOLE AND MY COMPLETENESS CONTRIBUTES TO A BIGGER PICTURE.