What day is it today October 18? October 19? Who knows.
*Edit: Turns out it’s October 20th. Days sometimes blur when you’re wandering alone.
I’m sitting in a sweet coffee and waffle shop. I’ve walked past it many times but never stopped in. The patio terrace overlooks a square of the palace with a statue, Gregory of Nin. He’s just outside the Golden Gate, or North Gate, of Diocletian’s Palace.
His color is a dark bronze and he points one accusatory finger into the sky. His big toe is thought to provide luck when it is touched. Because everyone has a wish they desire granted, that toe’s been worn to a shiny gold, which is a stark contrast to the rest of the oxidized work of art.
Many tourists fill the square, mimicking the statues odd stance and snapping pictures with their selfie sticks.
The booths that normally line this touristy street, with artists selling their creative expression, have dwindled to very few. Now, only a couple of stubborn vendors remain determined to gift the late season straggling tourists with the unravelings of their mind.
Fall leaves are scattered on the ground but they don’t tell the full story of the sunny, almost balmy, weather that also chooses to linger this late in the year. Soon I’ll go wander, yet again, through Diocletian’s palace to discover alleys not yet explored.
Here is what is happening inside of my mind, a glimpse into some of my personal growth.
While I sit here drinking my Americano, what comes to me is a memory that marks the beginning of the fog I’ve been in. I made a mistake a couple of weeks ago. In a moment of loneliness, I repeated a pattern of past behavior that left me in a place of self loathing.
This threw me into a funk for a while…
And today, as I practice turning inward to find acceptance and love from within rather than seeking it out from an external source, I had a realization.
What takes us out of gratitude for the beautiful things we have manifested, the things we bring into our life from desire, is the contempt we choose to feel for ourselves when we make a mistake. What stops us from appreciating the good in our life is when we look at ourselves through a lens.
A lens of society. A lens of ‘what’s expected of us’ or what others need of us. Who we’re supposed to be rather than who we really are. When we put on these dark glasses and look at ourselves from this perspective, we step out of gratitude.
All that is good in our life, all that we’ve created out of joy and inspiration, turns bleak in the face of our perceived flaws. But you can choose not to look at yourself this way.
You can choose to bring in more of what you desire by practicing radical self love.
In fact, it’s fearless to practice shameless self love. It’s the most rebellious, daring, brave thing you can do in a world that will try to keep you small. In a world where most people will conform and live their life on the straight track they’re expected to roll.
Self-love is the biggest middle finger you can flip to those who judge you. Because when you relentlessly love yourself and actively take imperfect, inspired action…You show those around you they can’t bend you to their will. You make a choice to find love and acceptance, joy and inspiration, from within yourself. Stop seeking it from the world around you — You’ll never be good enough to mold to the impossible standard.
But you’ll always be enough to manifest your desires. You’ll always be enough to have everything you truly want, and deserve, to have in this life. As one of my favorite wise women, Amanda Frances, always says: “You have more power in your pinky toe than you need to change the world.” Or dare I say, even more power than Gregory’s big toe.
And that’s the power the world will work so hard to suppress… because the world, like most people, prefers to stay safer in its comfort zone.
Relentless self love means mistakes don’t become opportunities to slow down and wallow. They become opportunities to grow, stretch, and conquer the world. To drive change and inspire others. To form new thoughts that have never been thought before and make connections others haven’t dared to make.
As I turn inward, as I fearlessly, shamelessly, love me…
For all that I’ve done and all that I am…
And everything I’m becoming…
I make paces to change the world. And I become unfuckwithable. Absolutely, unequivocally unstoppable.
I hope you’ll choose to do the same.